Indecision

not going to lie, tonight was rough. i always seem to be on the verge of recovery and a deep spiral into ana at the same time. i balance on that wire and never really get anywhere, fluctuating a few pounds each way but never getting satisfaction. i am so conflicted i can never please myself because one side of me will always be disappointed by my actions. if i let myself go into this ed it will consume me readily and i can't lose control to it. i control it. i control food. i control my life. not having an ed sucks though because you get fat and normal and have no purpose. honestly, it makes me feel special as whacked out as that seems. i just so desperately want to be thin.

sometimes i worry that i just make up the ed in my head, that it is something i have inflicted on myself because i am just weird. when i was little i diagnosed myself with autism just because and can induce panic attacks to get out of stuff even to this day. don't use it often but i does come in handy. i worry that proana sites and stuff have made me like this, that if i lived in a cave without internet access or contact with the outside world i wouldn't be like this. i could be normal. but there is no normal now. once you have an ed, it never goes away. there is always that stupid little voice berating you for eating or being a fatty. i wish this had never happened to me. i wish i could have just continued living in oblivious bliss.

my friends have started noticing. and i'm a great liar so i think i can quell their suspicions, but 3 of my closest friends have made comments about how i skip lunch and junk sometimes. and when i do eat it, it probably looks pitiful to normal people. even though it sometimes contains peanut butter. which is gross and will turn me into a monster. they see my 200-400 cal lunch and think its weird. its not weird, its what i do. the only reason one of the 3 isn't more suspicious is because she has seen one of my 'binges' when i went with her to a restaurant and was feeling rebellious. turns out she had been watching my eating habits all summer when we worked together and was making sure i didn't throw up in the bathroom or whatever. good thing i don't purge. i've only tried 4 times in my life and never been successful. just the thought of it makes me cringe. and it feels like a bit of a cop-out for when i lose control. better to not put the vile stuff in you body in the first place.

anyways, today was an intense battle between normal and ed. so over the course of the day i had times when i was shoving chocolate in my pie hole because i was in a 'fuck ana' mood and the next hour i was trying to figure out the best way to burn off that grossness fast, but instead i just got depressed with my failure and took a nap to give myself some time.

i would definitely be more ed if not for my family. my mother still insists on eating dinner as a family together. really hard to skip out on that because we do it every freaking night and if you have a conflict, they wait for you. so i skip breakfast all the time, my mom gave up on that battle halfway through last year, and lunch half the time, my friends are really starting to get suspicious, but dinner i can hardly ever skip. i also suck at exercising. i just don't push myself. and i know that to be gorgeous i will have to, but i am just so fed up with all this crap i want to be normal and not care about how visible my ribs are. normal people think that's bad, right? i don't even know anymore. i am so out of touch with normal. i don't know if my bad binge days are actually a normal caloric intake or really bad over and i have no concept of how little i am actually eating on good days. all i know is that i fail so often and badly, it just makes me want to say screw the whole lot and eat myself to death. it will get easier and better in college. there the decision will be made for me. i will be in complete control of my meals and there will be no pesky family dinner to contend with so the stress can get to me and i can become fabulously thin.

maybe i can even meet some other eds there. i hear eds are really prevalent in college. mine's been around since 10th grade, but a lot of people develop one in college, right? i have met some people with eds but it never really works out that we can revel in it together and support each other. one was recovered, another is in a really weird place with it and lives several hundred miles away. but i shouldn't need support. if this is a true eating disorder i should just compulsively not eat and not need to look at pro ana sites and junk like that. i should just suffer through it silently alone without encouragement. am i making this all up? have i put myself through this ordeal? god, i'm so fucked up.

-marie

back on the wagon

alright, so i have decided to only post when my ed is active. i am constantly caught between wanting to be so skinny i completely disappear and wanting to be rid of the voice in my head and just be normal.  unfortunately, i know the second option is lost to me forever so i might as well embrace it and get SKINNY!  so the absence was due to a slight upturn in my normalcy, but fear not, i am back with all the rest of you now, living our secret lives and loving the hell out of it. 

so today was a good day, the first of many i hope, but i have decided that a crucial step towards skinny is to fess up my weight.
it is 139.
i am 5'7".
there.
i said it.
i'm also going to keep track of junk of calorie counter for a bit and see how i like that. mostly, my big new plan is a game i play with myself. every time i successfully complete an objective (skip lunch w/o anyone noticing for example) i set aside a commensurate dollar amount to be spent at my discretion. I cannot spend money unless it is in that pot. i think this is a decent plan, i will def have to workout reasonable amounts for different things, though. could be a bit touch and go, though.

anywho, just hanging in here. hope all of you are well and staying strong!

-marie

Screw this

So tonight I binged. My family was out of the house and I just went to town on that pantry. My weapons of choice: ice cream, sunchips, and almonds. I have no idea why I chose those, but I did and I ate a ton. Then, the pain came. I got gassy and bloaty, and it didn't help that my stomach has probably shrunk from decreased consumption. Every time I vow I won't do it, but I always return to that dreadful cupboard. One would think I would remember the pain and all, but no, I continue to be an idiot and make myself not only greatly uncomfortable and disappointed in myself, but more importantly I get just a bit fatter. I hate this stupid eating disorder. It sucks. If I eat, I hate myself, and if I don't, I feel like crap. If anyone out there was wondering, EDs are HELL. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Also, see how my wonderful blog once a day plan worked out? i failed after two straight days. Not a good day in marieland.

-marie

One step towards success

So now that I am blogging on the second day of my month long quest, I feel like the project has a significantly better chance of success. Often it is the second day that kills my streak, if one day can even be called that. How sad is that?

Anywho, when I started this I promised myself I wouldn't make this into a blog about my eating habits, but I fear it will anyways. Many other ED bloggers post their weight or other measurements on a regular basis, but honestly I am too ashamed. I am by no means overweight and my BMI is technically healthy, but none the less, I cannot bring myself to post it. Perhaps next post I will get up the courage.

I really do seem adept at writing little posts that inform the reader about absolutely nothing, don't I? I really should stop that. Perhaps later, later, later. Procrastination is my friend.

-marie

*copied post from my old blog. to hide all this, I am creating a set of new accounts and such*

One must start somewhere

I suppose I will write this just to get it out of the way. First posts usually aren't all that informative or eloquent anywho so I feel no great obligation to make this spectacular, or even useful in any respect. However, this would be the place to declare my intent to blog once a day for the next month, plenty of time to establish a habit and see if i actually like it. Perhaps this can serve as a journal of sorts for my reflections, however mundane or banal they prove to be. Enjoy.
-marie

*copied post from my old blog. to hide all this, I am creating a set of new accounts and such*